What if I'm starting to get parts of it right though?
Even if I just do one thing right, I'm not ruining *everything* anymore
I haven’t been sleeping well lately.
I’m going through a lot of changes, and for whatever reason, that tends to make me a bit of an insomniac. But this time, it feels worse.
Maybe that’s because of the changes I’m going through:
I’m fighting with a really good friend (I think we’re fighting; I’m trying to apologize and they’re not talking to me so…)
I’m cooking at home again instead of always ordering DoorDash
I’ve cut my caffeine consumption down to about 1/3 of what it’s been for the last two years
I’m trying to gain more clarity around what I want to write about every week in my newsletter
and I’m officially paying other people now to help me grow my newsletter — and my veteran’s community
Let’s take the last one first.
At the start of this month, I invested 10% of my income into hiring a social media strategist and a graphic designer to help me promote my newsletter and build a veterans community that will connect struggling vets with the help and resources they need to fully reintegrate into society.
I’ve been talking about doing these two things for a long time now, like months… and I’m finally doing it! And it’s a huge, overwhelming, intimidating, exciting step.
I’m pretty worried, especially when it comes to the community.
I’m not sure I have what it takes to actually make this happen… but I’m doing it anyway.
There are so many questions… so many challenges… so many details that need to be figured out… and I honestly don’t know if I’m the right person for the job.
But I know that I need a community of like-minded vets, to help me stay on my path! And I’m certain there are others out there who feel the same way. The scary part is that I don’t know what that community is going to look like — and I won’t know, until it starts coming together.
It’s hard to put money into something, and to sit back and tell myself it’s going to become something really great… and have no clear vision yet for what it’s going to be. I mean I have a general idea.
Just… I like to know all the details before I get started… and with something like this… you can’t fully know what a community is going to need until you start gathering the community, and ask them directly…
So I just have to trust that I have the right idea, and that my instincts are good and will serve me well (and that I’ve hired the right people to help me bring it together).
It’s scary to really commit to this thing that I’ve been talking about doing for over a year now… but what’s scarier at this point is not pursuing my dreams…
That’s the fear that’s keeping me up all night.
If it was just promoting my newsletter and my community, though, it might not be hitting so hard.
But I’m also trying to reimagine my newsletter… to evolve my writing and my message and my purpose… and speak to a larger audience, and make a deeper connection… and offer more help, guidance, and hope to those who are still stuck in their struggles, and don’t see a way through…
And it’s intimidating to want to “up” my writing game.
It makes it feel more… like my words really matter now… like I need to figure out how to peel back another layer or five, and let you deeper into my process, and make myself even more vulnerable than I’ve been.
And I never really know how that’s going to go over.
Usually, the more I open up, the easier it is to connect with my readers (I hope?) But still, I worry if I open up too much, y’all will just think I’m certifiable, and I’ll lose your trust and you’ll never wanna hear from me again. Nevermind that never happens… it still scares me, and keeps me up at night sometimes.
Cooking, and reducing my caffeine intake, aren’t really “scary” per se… but the choice to cook instead of ordering out… it’s difficult for me.
I love to cook though! But it’s hard when it’s just you. No matter how I alter my favorite recipes, I still end up with more leftovers than I can eat before I get tired of it all.
But there are so many benefits: it’s cheaper, for one, but it’s also healthier and typically tastes better than anything I can get delivered (or at least as good as). Plus, it gives me something to do every day… and since I don’t have a job to go to I have a lot of free time that I need to fill…
And I love the satisfaction of planning and preparing my meals, and knowing that I can create dishes so good, other people ask for seconds (and thirds).
Giving up caffeine really sucks though, I’m not even gonna lie.
For two years, I’ve been drinking like 6 cans of soda per day — and in the last two weeks all of a sudden I’m drinking 1-2 cans. I’m tired all the time and my head hurts, and I’d probably be irritable if I had to go anywhere but fortunately I don’t… because if I had to interact with other people right now I would be cranky…
But I’m glad this change is finally happening… and I hope that in another couple of weeks, I can stop drinking soda at home completely. (Now, watch, in February I’ll be going to the gas station three times a day to buy a soda, because “technically if I drink it at the gas station I’m not drinking it at home!”)
jk jk… but not really though…
I do have a goal though to stop drinking soda before Spring. And I think it’s gonna happen this year… I can feel my body wanting a healthier lifestyle.
The hard part is that I’ve come to rely on the caffeine and sugar for my emotional support… and now I have to find a healthier way of managing my emotions… and I’ve been trying to avoid that for a really long time! But I know I’ll be happier once this change is in place.
Meanwhile, the absence of caffeine and sugar — while making me tired and lifeless throughout the day — seems to also be keeping me up at night. Maybe it’s the longing for all the extra caffeine and sugar that’s making it so hard to just shut my eyes and go to sleep… I don’t honestly know.
Perhaps the worst of all, though, is the fight I think I’m in with my friend.
Anyone who knows me at all knows that I value relationships above all else… so whenever I start to feel like maybe a relationship is in trouble, I get scared.
I mean, I know no two people are ever going to like each other all the time. I know there are problems, and challenges, and disagreements… I know that friends work through these things together and that, as they do, the friendship becomes stronger…
But let’s be real for a minute.
I withdrew from all my friends after I got PTSD in the Navy. I came home and I isolated myself from everybody I ever knew: friends, family, ex’s, people I knew at church…
For years I didn’t talk to my own siblings because I thought I was so messed up, even they wouldn’t want me, if they knew just how far gone I really was.
And then when I lost my job in 2008, and moved back in with Mom and Dad, I really felt like a failure, and I withdrew even more into myself.
I didn’t come out from under all that until late 2023, when I finally started to make friends again, and to open back up to my siblings… and it wasn’t until 2024 that I started reconnecting with my nieces and nephews, and learning how to make new friends and let new people into my life.
And I didn’t know, until now, just how much I need friends in my life. But right now, I’m honestly afraid I may have ruined this friendship, once and for all. I’m scared that we’re about to go our separate ways and that it’s my fault.
I’m embarrassed to admit that part of me is “trying” to prepare for that possibility… like I’m sitting here, right now, trying to convince myself that I was just fine for all those years on my own, and I don’t need other people in my life, and that I’ll be just fine without her, if that’s how things go.
I feel like that’s kind of messed up though.
Like nobody has said “I don’t wanna be your friend anymore,” and probably, neither one of us ever will. Because we are really good friends, after all.
But I’m so used to being alone, I don’t know how to respond to big disagreements.
I’ve forgotten how to argue effectively.
By keeping myself isolated and withdrawn, I’ve learned that “I don’t need other people,” and so when things do get awkward or uncomfortable, my first inclination is to withdraw… to cut that person out of my life, go back into my own corner, put on my blinders and pretend everything is fine and I’m better off without them anyway…
But I know.
Deep down inside, I just know.
I need other people in my life. And those other people need me in theirs, as well.
I just wish I knew how to never be a jerk, is all…
But maybe, “not being a jerk” isn’t the point. Because maybe, that’s not even achievable in real life. Maybe it’s just something that any one of us can slip into sometimes, whether we mean to be, or not.
And maybe friends — good friends — realize that it’s just part of life. And maybe, as long as the offending party recognizes that they were being a jerk, and tries to make up for it, and says they’re sorry and commits to not doing it again… maybe there’s hope for that friendship…
I sure want there to be.
I’m having the worst time just trying to get to sleep.
I feel like there are so many new things all happening at once… and I don’t know if any one of them is even going to go the way I want it to! But I hope. And I keep on keepin’ on.
I’m afraid that I have — or will — ruined everything. That fear is my standard response though. I’m afraid of it… but that doesn’t mean it’s actually going to happen. Even if I did ruin some things, though… is it really that horrible? I mean, is there anything I’m trying to achieve here, that, if it doesn’t go the way I want it to, is gonna be the end of the actual world?
I could argue that possibly losing a friend feels like the end of the world… but even if that happens, I still have to have faith in myself… in my Creator… in humanity… in my friend (even if we go our separate ways, I still believe in her)…
Maybe, though… maybe just the fact that I’m trying to do new things… and that I’m open to learning and admitting my mistakes… and trying to do better than what I’ve done before…
Even if I get nine things wrong… if I can get the tenth one right… then I’m not ruining everything, anymore… and for a recovered addict, and for someone who has PTSD and has spent decades avoiding conflict, shirking responsibility, hiding from difficult conversations, and generally just going back to bed when things look bad…
If I’m not doing “everything” wrong…
Then by default, I must be doing something right.
Maybe if I can get a little more of it right, maybe I can finally go back to sleep.