Remember that job I wrote about back in February?
The one I pitched to the president of the American Writers and Artists Institute back in October? The one I first started dreaming about last summer? The one that I knew, if I could just land this job, my whole life would turn around…
Well, my whole life has turned around.
I have confidence in my ability to connect authentically, to have a conversation, to encourage and support somebody, to inspire them to pursue a desired course of action all the way to completion.
I have proof that I can influence people to push themselves just a little bit harder in the pursuit of their goals… and watch them achieve more than they believed they were capable of.
I have hope that I can take the skills I’ve discovered and strengthened, and use them to serve my own community: my veteran PTSD support group.
(Which, if you’re a veteran with PTSD or other mental health challenges, or you know someone who is, we’re always accepting new members.)
I have the love and respect of a group of 12,000 writers who I’ve spent the last four months lifting up — many of whom are now good friends.
I’ve saved what I hope is enough money to pay for this year’s writer’s convention.
And meanwhile, on top of all that, I’m making leaps and bounds in therapy. I’ve relived the most traumatic moments from deploying in wartime, as well as being deployed when 9/11 happened…
So now the major events we’ve yet to tackle all took place before I joined the Navy. Some of them are relatively small, compared to going to war — but some of them are probably what laid the foundation for my PTSD to develop. (I’m assuming that I know how PTSD develops… but I’m not a trained professional so, take it for what it’s worth.)
And, if that’s not enough…
I’m making new friends.
Something I thought my PTSD had made impossible! I’m making friends, and I’m having open, candid conversations about my feelings, and I’m learning to ask people for help when I need it.
But underneath all that, my mental health is in a tailspin.
It’s a strange thing that, the moment I know I’ve got a community around me of people who I can lean on… that’s the moment I finally feel safe enough to allow myself to feel the fear behind every one of my insecurities.
Emotions I’ve kept bottled up my entire life, are pouring out all over the place, in a way that’s not altogether pleasant, or predictable. I can’t get a handle on these emotions, and build my support group, and have deep conversations with my new friends, and do community engagement work in a group of 12,000 writers and show up in the group every day ready to cheer everyone else on, while I feel like my own internal everything is falling apart and needs my immediate attention.
And of all of those things I’ve just listed, the one that I’m least attached to (to my surprise), is the dream job. Don’t get me wrong; I love the work I was doing. And the money was pretty exciting too! Especially after being unemployed for 15 years before landing this job.
But, from where I’m standing, right now, a job is a job. They can come and go, and thanks to disability income, I’ll be okay without one (financially, I mean… but I do still need something that gives my life purpose and direction).
But building my own veterans support group? Growing my newsletter? Making friends?
Taking care of my own mental health so I don’t keep burning out and feeling like I’m never going to win at life?
These are things I want to keep in my life, forever.
These are things that are worth more than a dream job, and a second income.
I can’t I won’t sacrifice my relationships or my mental health for money. And I won’t put other people’s success ahead of my own, anymore. And that’s hard for me to say, because I’m a huge people pleaser! But I just can’t, anymore.
I can wish for other people’s success, at any time of day or night — and I can celebrate their success with them. But I can’t prioritize “helping others” anymore, over “taking care of myself.”
And I feel like I’ve learned that lesson the hard way, these last few months, because I love helping other people… but when I spread myself so thin that my own mental health starts to come undone…
I don’t want that to be how I live, anymore.
So I’ve quit the job, and I’m going to take the time I was devoting to work, and use it instead to “work” on my mental health. I’m going to double down on the homework my therapist has given me, and I’m finally going to learn how to just sit with my emotions, and let them be, without judgment and without having to be in control of it all.
It’s time for me to learn how to manage my emotions. This last month especially has shown me the folly of trying to build a better future, without first making peace with the past. That’s something I’ve been avoiding for 30 years… and I can’t avoid it any longer.
If I’m going to change the way I live my life, I have to do it now. If I wait, I may not have the courage.
Mind you, I don’t know how to make peace with the past. I’m not sure I know anybody in my inner circle, who’s ever actually done that. Most of my family and friends have unhealthy coping mechanisms — myself included.
So I don’t know what these next few months are going to look like… but I know what I want to achieve:
I want to know how to protect my mental health, how to advocate for my own well-being, and how to share everything I learn with everyone I know (or at least, everyone who will listen).
Because even when I put my own needs first…
I still need to bring other people with me…
Because what’s the point of finding your own success, if you don’t have family and friends to share it with?
But first (I guess) you have to learn to take care of you. No one else is gonna come and do it for you.