The Sara Chronicles Episode 3
I thought I was wrong to love her the way I do. But what if that love is the catalyst for everything else? What if it's my flux capacitor: the thing that makes my healing possible.
Love doesn’t have to lead to romance to lead you home.
I didn’t used to believe that.
For most of my life, I thought love only counted if it turned into something official — something mutual, tangible, nameable. But now... I’m not so sure.
You see, I’m falling in love with someone who may never be mine.
But it’s not breaking my heart — it’s waking it back up.
I tried to hide it for the longest time, because I thought it was “wrong” somehow to love someone who doesn’t love me the same way in return.
I thought if she knew, it would ruin our friendship. And I thought it was my duty, as her friend, to keep it all to myself and never let her find out.
When that didn’t work, I tried to deny it.
Then, I tried to control it.
Now, I’m sitting here, trying to change it, and I’m asking myself: why?
Why do I need to change how I feel? It’s not hurting me. It’s not hurting either one of us, actually. In fact, I think it’s helping to draw both of us closer together… just, maybe not in the direction I first thought.
The Truth I Can’t Deny
I love Sara Noelle Jones. I am in love with her. I have been for quite some time.
Whether that means anything beyond me having love in my heart for her, I don’t know. I used to think it could only mean we belong together (and maybe, someday, we will... I honestly don’t know…)
But maybe it really means we’re just super close friends… and I only think she’s the greatest thing to ever come into my life…
But maybe she’s just the precursor to an even greater love... a love I can’t even conceive of yet… one that will shine so bright… my love for Sara will seem… not insignificant, obviously, because she does mean the world to me…
But maybe when I find my next “true love,” I’ll realize my feelings for Sara were real, but that they never actually extended beyond friendship, after all.
That’s doubtful… but not entirely without its merits.
But it doesn’t matter, either way — it’s all irrelevant to the way I feel about Sara Jones:
I love her.
Plain and simple.
No further explanation required.
The Life I Imagine With Her
I desire Sara Noelle Jones. I long for her. I think about what it would be like to be with her.
To spend our days together. To touch her. To hold her. To wash the dishes together.
To sit around the kitchen table and talk about her kids, and about the future, and about money, and our dreams, and the life we want to share...
I want to build a garden for her, hidden away from the crowds and the noise. Away from her problems. Away from her ex. Away from the world, and from anybody who doesn’t want to watch her grow and blossom into the most beautiful flower…
Into the greatest version of herself that’s ever been.
I want to create and maintain that space. I want Sara to feel free in my garden, to give herself permission to run wild, and to let loose, to be who she so desperately wants and needs to be.
To know that she can do and say anything she wants — and know that she is loved, that she is seen, that she is wanted.
I want our relationship to be the flowerbed that nurtures and sustains her. That encourages her growth. That lets her roots grow strong and deep. That gives her the support she needs to live her life on her terms.
The Ache of Not Knowing
I am endlessly fascinated with the woman who is Sara Jones. I want to see her from every angle, explore every facet of her personality, examine every one of her thoughts, words, and actions, extract all the love, wisdom, guidance, nourishment, and support, that she has to offer me.
I want her heartbeat to be my heartbeat. Her pain to be my pain. Her sorrow to be my sorrow.
Her dreams to be my dreams.
Her joy to be my bliss.
I want to help her raise her children. I want to hear her sit down and read from Proverbs. I want to know her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her insecurities.
I want a love that’s reciprocal, that can sustain us both, and allow us to weather any storm.
I want to be the one who makes her laugh, who makes her think, who makes her try, who makes her feel safe… who meets her where she is, and loves her unconditionally.
I want to be the first thing she thinks of when she wakes up every morning… and the last thing before she falls asleep at night.
I want to do everything within my power, to add value, meaning, purpose, happiness, and direction to her life.
I don’t know if that’s healthy, or if it’s appropriate for where we are in our friendship… and I don’t care, anymore.
I’m a year and a half from being 50; I’m too old to hide my feelings, or bide my time.
Maybe I’m immature. Maybe I’m allowing my feelings to control me. Maybe I’m confused and we’re actually just really great friends and nothing more.
Maybe I’m longing for something that isn’t even there. Maybe she doesn’t even feel the same way towards me.
Maybe she means it when she says she only wants to be friends.
Maybe I was just alone for so many years, that now, I want her to be my everything… and maybe, she’s not. Maybe romance is not why we’re in each other’s lives.
But in an ocean of maybes... here’s one river that I know runs true:
She’s the one I want.
She’s the one I choose, over every challenge, argument, and obstacle, that’s ever threatened to come between us.
She’s the one I trust with my secrets, and with my dreams for the future. She’s the one who holds my heart, and who can either break it, or heal it, with only a whisper… or a kiss.
She’s the one who always sees me for who I am, and never asks for anything more. She’s the one I turn to for advice, for wisdom, for guidance, for validation. She’s my shoulder to cry on, and my friend to laugh with.
She’s the one I want to talk to every day. She’s the one who lights me up every time I see a text from her. I’m actually disappointed when I get a notification on my phone, and it’s not from her.
What This Love Is (and Isn’t)
I’m not trying to force anything on her. I’m not trying to control our friendship. I’m not trying to make her feel the same.
I’m just falling in love with the most incredible woman in the world, that’s all.
Life with Sara in it is worth living… worth appreciating… worth enjoying… worth getting out of bed and trying to make each tomorrow, better than today.
Life without her would be empty, aimless, painful, frightening, and so incredibly lonely.
She is the final piece of my puzzle; or, she feels like it, at least.
When I think about Sara Jones, I feel hopeful for my future. I feel like someone finally believes in me… and like I’m finally safe to start believing in myself.
Not even Carrie got this much of my heart. Not even Amanda, who I know I would be safe with, and could build a comfortable love.
No one but Sara has ever made me want to fight for this kind of feeling.
I’m not imagining the way I feel about her — I’m acknowledging it. I’m allowing it all to exist. To breathe. To occupy space in my heart, mind, and soul.
I don’t care if she feels the same. I mean, obviously, I would be thrilled if she did! Not gonna lie. Because then, maybe we could start talking about what our future might look like, and make plans to take this friendship to new heights, and find out where these feelings could lead.
But even if she doesn’t feel the same… that’s not going to change how I feel. And, I don’t need to change how I feel. And I shouldn’t want to change. I shouldn’t be telling myself that I “need” to change.
(To Sara’s credit, she’s never once told me I need to change anything about the way I feel for her. She has questioned the depth of my feelings. But she’s never shamed me for loving her. And that’s a gift I don’t take lightly.)
The Change She Set in Motion
I love Sara Jones, and my love for her has already been a catalyst for my own growth (and, I believe, for hers too). My feelings for this woman are — for once — working to my advantage.
They’re inspiring me to let go of years worth of baggage I finally know I don’t need anymore. I’m letting go of decades worth of pain, anger, and heartache. I’m releasing all my pent-up fears, anxiety, and insecurities.
I’m working through things that used to beat me into submission. Things I was so afraid of, I wouldn’t even name them, for fear they would overpower me. Things that used to frighten me, overwhelm me, and make me want to self-isolate.
I’m following through on my goals to build a business that will nurture and sustain me and give back to society — a society I didn’t even want to be part of until I met Sara Jones.
Now, maybe I give her too much credit, and I’m not appreciating all the effort I’m putting into those things. But, make no mistake: she is the catalyst for all this change.
She is the one who’s making me want to change!
Yes, I’m the one putting in the hard work — but my love for her is what gives me the reason. Without her, I don’t think I would be strong enough on my own to work through all the obstacles in front of me.
If it was just me, I wouldn’t do it. Whether that’s right or wrong, I don’t know. It’s just the truth:
Without her, I wouldn’t even try.
The Lighthouse and the Legacy
Sara Jones provides me with just the right amount of external validation to give me the strength, vision, and courage I need, to stay on the path God has placed before me.
I need her to be my lighthouse. To keep me moving forward. To give me a reason. To stop me from going back into the darkness.
I can’t do it all without her. I won’t.
It wouldn’t be worth it, if she wasn’t there to see it all, and to share it with me.
If I am Odysseus, I have made her my Penelope. And I will allow no other woman to take her place.
I love Sara Jones.
And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s quite wonderful!
After everything I’ve endured, it’s a miracle that I can love somebody new. And a blessing that that someone is Sara Noelle Jones.
It’s not something to deny, or fight against, or feel like I ought to change. It’s something to nurture. To be proud of. To embrace fully — regardless of whether she feels the same way toward me, or not.
My love for Sara Noelle Jones is a beautiful thing.
It’s leading me home.
And it’s showing me that it’s not too late for me to become the man God made me to be.
Why would I not want that kind of love in my life?
What kind of life would it be, if I refused myself to feel such love for someone who means so much to me?
Maybe she is my happily ever after. (Or will be, once she’s totally free of her ex.)
And maybe we’re only supposed to be friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be.
Either way… why try to hide my feelings? Why try to pretend I’m one way, when I know I’m really not? It’s not hurting me to love her. It’s not hurting her to be loved.
In fact, it might just be thing that’s saving us both from sliding back into the darkness we each used to know all too well.
Have you ever loved someone who might never be yours — but still changed your life in truly magical ways?
Tell me what that love revealed in you. What it helped you see. What it helped you become.
🧰 When Love Doesn’t Need to Lead Anywhere
Sometimes, love doesn’t turn into the thing you thought it would.
Sometimes, it doesn’t need to.
This toolkit isn’t here to help you move on — it’s here to help you stay grounded in the love that changed you… and let it keep changing you, even if it never becomes anything more.
1. Name the Love
What kind of love did you feel — or still feel — for that person? Was it romantic? Soul-deep? Protective? An ache? A longing? A slow burn?
Let yourself name it. Don’t diminish it. Even if it didn’t “go anywhere,” it still mattered.
Example: “I loved him like he was my future — even if he didn’t see me that way.”
2. Tell the Truth About What It Gave You
What did this love awaken in you? What did it teach you about longing, hope, presence, or your own capacity to feel deeply?
Example: “It reminded me that my heart still works. That I’m capable of showing up, even after everything I’ve lost.”
3. Release the Outcome
What are you still holding onto — the fantasy, the closure, the idea of what it was “supposed to become”?
Write it down. Breathe it out. Let it rest.
Example: “I thought we’d end up together. But maybe loving him was never about being with him. Maybe it was about remembering who I am.”
4. Choose to Carry the Good
What do you want to carry forward from this love? Not the pain — but the power it gave you. The softening. The strength. The spark of who you’re becoming.
Example: “I want to carry the courage to feel again — and the belief that love, even unreturned, can still be holy.”
You don’t have to stop loving the person who doesn’t love you in return.
Just make sure you’re not losing yourself in the wanting.
✍️ What This Love Revealed in Me
You don’t have to explain your love to anyone. But sometimes, it helps to explore what it opened up in you — especially if it didn’t go the way you hoped.
Use these five prompts to honor your experience without shame or agenda. There’s nothing to fix here. Just something to see.
Write whatever comes up, and let your feelings guide you.
1. Who was I, before this love arrived?
Think about where you were emotionally, spiritually, or relationally before this person entered your life.
What had you given up on? What had you stopped believing in?
2. What surprised me about how I loved them?
Did this love draw something out of you that you didn’t expect? A tenderness, a devotion, a depth of presence you didn’t know was still possible?
3. What did this love wake up in me?
What kind of movement began in your life because of them?
Was there a shift in how you saw yourself, your future, or what you deserved?
4. What am I still holding onto — and why?
Be honest. Is it the idea of them? The imagined future? The sense of safety or belonging they gave you?
There’s no shame here. Just notice what still lingers.
5. What do I want to carry forward — even if they never come with me?
What part of this love feels worth keeping?
What truth, what strength, what softness — belongs to you now, even if the relationship doesn’t?
Remember: You don’t have to have closure to find clarity. You just have to be willing to name what this love gave you — and what kind of life you want to build, even if it ends up being yours alone.
Final Thought
We grow up believing that love is only real if it becomes something. If it’s returned. If it lasts. If it checks the right boxes and follows the right script.
But not every love fits that mold.
Some love arrives simply to stir something in you — not to stay, not to settle, not to solve you, but to wake you up.
It comes quietly, without asking permission, and starts rearranging the furniture inside your soul. And before you even realize it, you’re seeing yourself differently. Wanting more. Reaching farther. Becoming braver.
Not because you have the person you loved — but because you loved them. And that love did something holy in you.
Maybe this love was never meant to be solved, or sorted, or sealed with a promise. Maybe it wasn’t meant to end in romance, or partnership, or any of the usual destinations we use to justify the depth of our feelings.
Maybe it was just meant to be — to pass through you like wind through open windows, to stir the dust, to wake what had long been sleeping, to remind you that your heart is still alive.
Maybe the point was never to win someone over. Maybe the point was to let love soften you again.
Sometimes, the love that doesn’t lead anywhere is the very thing that leads you home. And if it brings you back to life — even just a little — then maybe that love was never wasted.
Maybe the miracle isn’t found in being loved back by the person you love. Maybe it’s found in daring to love at all.