The Sara Chronicles Episode 2

I'm not afraid to fall in love. I am afraid of letting go, though.

I haven’t loved anyone the way I love Sara since I was 17.

And even then, I didn’t love anyone as deeply as I’m able to love Sara, today.

My love for her is like medicine. It stings sometimes, but I know it’s making me better. For more than 30 years, I’ve been dead inside. I’ve been so lovesick, I’ve wanted to die.

I still want to die today, rather than work through all the things that are hurting me.

I’m in so much pain, and so afraid, lost, confused, insecure, overwhelmed, immature…

I legitimately don’t know how to navigate these feelings. They’re eating me up inside! Everything comes out wrong. My words make me look like I’m just angry and like I’m trying to pick a fight with her, but the reality is I’m trying to get closer and let her in — I just don’t know how to do that…

I want to be seen and I want to be loved and I want to belong.

I want to know I’m needed… wanted… appreciated… validated… loved.

I want to connect with Sara and I want to use my feelings for her to create something really wonderful and amazing! I don’t wanna be so afraid all the time. I don’t wanna feel like I have to hide or withdraw or like if I accidentally say the wrong thing I’m gonna lose her forever and I’ll never be able to fall in love again.

I hate what my life has become.

I hate that I don’t know how to just have these loving feelings and just be happy I’ve found someone who makes me feel this way, and not try to control it or to make it go this way or that, or act like her love is the answer to everything that ails me.

I’m trying to skip so many steps, though, and just go straight to, “She’s the one! Clearly she’s all I ever wanted.”

I know, intellectually, that it’s way too soon to even start down that road.

But, if I’m honest, I do want to find “The One.” I do want to know that the woman I love today is the woman I’m going to love for the rest of my life. That desire to finally have a romantic partner that I can know is going to stick around, that’s always going to love me… that’s always going to choose me…

That desire is strong.

It’s strong enough to control my thoughts and to pull me in crazy directions.

I want Sara Noelle Jones to the One. I want that so badly…

You’re right, Sara; it does cloud my judgment. Because I want you to want me and I don’t care if that’s what’s best for us, or what’s right for us… I just want to be the one you want to be with… and I can’t see past that desire.

Wanting Sara the way I do… makes me only focus on the things I like about her, and the good ways she makes me feel when we talk. I’m unable to see the reasons we might not be compatible. It makes me ignore her when she says she doesn’t want me to pursue her. It makes me not listen when she says we don’t know each other well enough, for me to know if I truly love her.

Because I know my feelings are real. Regardless of whether they run deep, or not… I know there has to be some degree of mutual attraction, or I wouldn’t be feeling this way about her at all. If it was all a fantasy, I would’ve moved on by now. I would’ve grown tired, and restless, and I would’ve found somebody else to obsess over.

Instead, I’m staying focused on her. On my feelings and desire and attraction to her. It frustrates me to no end that I don’t know how to have these feelings, or how to show her my love, in a healthy, responsible way. I just make everything come out sounding crazy.

I get angry at myself for not understanding my feelings… and then I turn around and I take it out on her. For what? It’s not her responsibility. It’s not her fault I’m frustrated.

I’m just so anxious and overwhelmed and I don’t want these feelings and I don’t even know how to put the right labels on all of them. I don’t know how to sit with my feelings. I don’t know how to just say, “I’m frustrated,” without getting angry and defensive, and feeling like I need to cut Sara out of my life so I don’t hurt her — and so I don’t get hurt, myself.

I know that’s a lie, though, as soon as I say it. Still, I’m so terrified of facing my own insecurities, that I’m putting our entire relationship in jeopardy because I don’t know how to just tell her I’m insecure and ask her to be patient while I try to figure this all out.

It hurts so much…

I hate being forty-eight and not able to control my emotions!

It’s embarrassing, and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

I’ve tried to avoid these exact feelings for these exact reasons, because every time I’ve been attracted to a woman ever since I lost Carrie, I'm so scared of getting hurt that I just withdraw, and I act stupid — intentionally — hoping that if I can make myself look undesirable… then the women won’t even want me, and I won’t have to risk anything because I’ll just stay alone and single where I may be lonely, but at least I’m safe.

Even when I was dating Catherine, I kept all my emotions on lockdown. I bottled everything up, and I refused to form an emotional connection with her, because Carrie hurt me so badly, I won’t be hurt like that I again. I can’t handle that much heartbreak.

I don’t want Sara to hurt me.

But God, do I want her to want me.

Carrie just left one day. Like, things were wonderful between us… and then, poof, it’s over. She’s gone. No reason. No explanation. We just stopped talking one day, and it’s like, we knew that was the end. But I don’t believe we ever knew why… and to this day that eats me up inside.

I know there were problems. I know our relationship wasn’t perfect. But I wasn’t expecting it to ever be over.

I know it’s not anybody’s fault; I know it just happened that way. But I’m still so embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like when I didn’t fight for Carrie, I ruined both of our lives, and I betrayed True Love itself.

And now I’m scared to death I’m going to betray Sara and I’m going to ruin what we have, and she’s going to randomly fade out of my life the exact way Carrie did… and I can’t let that happen again. I’ll die for real this time. I’ll give up I’ll stop fighting for anything that I want in my life and I’ll lose every opportunity for happiness, and there will be nobody to blame but me.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve spent my whole life running from these painful moments. I’m convinced I don’t have what it takes to overcome them… that I’m always going to be tormented… that I deserve to suffer for the rest of my life…

I’m scared of getting my feelings hurt.

The thing is, I’ve never actually been scared of Sara, though. Nor of falling in love.

I’m just scared of getting hurt.

Actually, I’m scared of feeling hurt. I’ve already been hurt, and I know it’s unavoidable… but I don’t ever want to feel it again… and that keeps me afraid.

I’m so scared that if I get close to Sara… it’ll bring up all my issues with Carrie, and Catherine, and Heidi, and Jenn, and Angie, and Jennifer, and Sylvia, and Tasha, and Gwendolyn, and Amanda.

And every girl I ever dated, kissed, asked out, or simply crushed on… (there’ve been a few…)

I’m scared that all the things I’ve been avoiding will prove to be more than I can bear.

I’ve been running for so long, I’m afraid to let all my past relationship problems catch up with me. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with them all when they happened — so what makes me think I can be strong enough now? Especially when some of my relationship issues happened when I was as young as twelve or thirteen… some thirty-five years ago…

If I haven’t dealt with it in that long, there’s probably a reason!

Even last summer, when I first started to open up about how much it broke my heart when Carrie married some other guy… and I mean, I cried so hard working through those feelings, I sweat through my clothes. I think they probably heard my sobs on the other end of the apartment complex, a good football field’s length away.

And not just once. No, I sobbed every morning for a good two months, trying to bring up all those hurt feelings and write everything out. One morning, I finished crying and I got up to make breakfast, and I knew: I have no more tears to cry for her.

I really thought that was it; I thought I was finally done pining over Carrie Scott. But I wasn’t. I might be, now. I hope I am. I hope I don’t have to go through another round of that kind of processing.

But if I do have to… I will.

Partly for Sara’s sake, but mainly, for my own benefit.

I’m tired of being so afraid of my past that I feel like I need to always run away. I’m tired of feeling angry and frustrated, and bitter, and confused — and alone. I’m tired of telling myself that if I could just let go, I’d be happy… and then, give into my fear and be too afraid to ever let go.

That’s no way to live my life. It was one thing when I believed my life will never get any better. When I was willfully throwing my life away, wasting my days consuming coffee, cigarettes, and pornography; avoiding all contact with the outside world; isolated and withdrawn even from my own family; praying for God to let me die so I could escape the pain, guilt, and embarrassment, of having to face the lifestyle I had created for myself…

A lifestyle centered on avoiding pain — but also, more importantly, on avoiding anything that could potentially cause me distress.

Romantic relationships alone didn’t put me in that mind space, but my memories of all the mistakes I’d made, and all the girls who left me… it didn’t help. It didn’t make me want to get out and try again. It didn’t make me think that maybe there are still women out there who would love to be with me.

Not the “me” I had become, that was addicted to pornography, and nicotine, and avoiding life… but the real me behind the facade. The one I’m just starting to uncover now that I’m finally talking about my problems… letting the sunlight in… and learning to put some things in a better perspective.

I didn’t think I could be the real me. And I didn’t think that, even if I was, that it would ever be enough to make any woman want to date me.

I thought I was so far gone and I’d made so many mistakes that I was irredeemable, and doomed to a lifetime — if not an eternity — of failure and misery.

I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone.

And when I’m destined to be alone, anyway… there’s no incentive to work through past relationship problems. If letting go isn’t going to ultimately lead me to being dateable, and finding somebody new to love, then what’s the point? Why bother?

But then I met Amanda, and she and I became fast friends… and friendship came so easily for us I really wanted there to be more. I wanted to be able to love her, like I used to love women, before I get my heart broke so bad that I just decided it was safer to stay alone. We met, and we tried, and she’s amazing — and I do love her, deeply, fiercely, like nobody’s business! And that love only runs as deep as friends, though. There’s just no romantic chemistry at all.

And that’s okay. Not every woman has to fall madly in love with me. I don’t have to fall madly in love with every woman. Me and Amanda are excellent friends! We still talk almost every day. And we both know it’ll never go beyond friendship, and we love what we do share together, because we both know it’s real, it’s genuine, it’s authentic, and it’s sincere.

And I’m so grateful to have her in my life.

Sara, though…

When I talk to Sara, when I think about her, when I wake up and I wish she was there.

I know we haven’t met up in person, yet, but even so, I feel chemistry when I talk to her. I want to fall in love with her. I suppose in some ways, I have fallen in love with her already. (Which she knows, because I tell her everything before I tell you… and she hasn’t said she’s in love with me too but she also hasn’t stopped talking to me or called me a weirdo, so… who knows.)

I’m scared, though, to let myself have feelings for Sara. But I’m not actually afraid of Sara. And I’m not actually afraid of my feelings for her.

I’m afraid that I’ll have to work through all of my past relationship trauma, before I can fully love her the way she deserves to be loved… and I’m afraid I won’t be able to do that because I lack the interpersonal skills and emotional intelligence to even know where to begin to work through problems that just this morning had me sobbing in a corner, writing about how afraid I am that I’m going to lose Sara the exact same way I lost Carrie…

And I’m afraid that because I don’t know how to handle my emotions, I’m gonna keep wigging out; I’m gonna keep getting mad at myself for not being able to cope; I’m gonna keep pushing Sara away when what I want to do is just hold her close; I’m gonna keep overreacting and blowing everything out of proportion; and each time I do a little part of our relationship is going to die, and we’ll never be able to get it back because I don’t know how, and so I’m just going to lose everything.

And if I’m going to lose her eventually… and I don’t know how to prevent that from happening… then my insecurities say I might as well accelerate the process, and just lose her now and be done with it, so that I can go back to avoiding my problems, withdrawing from friends and family, isolating from society, and generally not going anywhere or doing anything meaningful with the rest of my life because let’s face it… I don’t know how.

But here’s the thing:

I haven’t loved anyone the way I love Sara since I was seventeen. And I know my feelings for Sara are true, and I know they run deep. And it doesn’t really matter to my mental health, whether she loves me in return, or not. What matters is that I’m in love. Real, genuine love. For the first time in over 30 years.

And it feels good to let myself love her.

It feels better, to be in love with Sara Noelle Jones, than it does to be afraid (and stay afraid) of all my past problems with every one of my past girlfriends — and girls I liked but who for whatever reason, never liked me back.

Before Sara, I was… comfortable… hiding from my feelings, and my wants and desires. It was easy to remain isolated and withdrawn when I still believed I’m never going to have a love like that again, anyway. It’s harder to stay that way when real, honest love is staring me right in the face, wanting me to just lean in and take the chance, and maybe… maybe… have something really amazing.

Like the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. The kind of love they wrote movies and songs about. The kind of love neither Sara or I have ever truly known before. The kind of love that runs so deep, and is so satisfying and rewarding, it makes all the pain we both had to endure in our lives leading up to when we got to finally love one another… just disappear…

Or maybe I’m dreaming. But hey — even if I am dreaming… two months ago I wouldn’t have allowed myself to just dream about being in love. I would’ve been too afraid. And today, the thought of loving someone new, doesn’t scare me at all.

To be fair, I am still scared of facing all the things I’ve spent the last 30 years or so trying to avoid. There is still a lot of pain, a lot of bitterness, a lot of resentment, that I need to let go. And I’m learning, very slowly, but I am learning.

One of the cool things I’m learning is that releasing the past is not for Sara! And it’s not for the other girls. It’s not for the memories of what used to be, or the hope of what lies in store.

Releasing my past, learning the lessons, making peace with my own life choices… is all for my benefit. So that I can feel good about myself. So that I can sleep peacefully, and can look myself in the mirror, and can hold my head up high when I’m around happy, healthy couples. (I’m gonna be half of a happy, healthy couple, someday! And I had myself utterly convinced that would never happen for me…)

It’s so I can like who I am again… who I’ve become… who I’m trying to be.

So I can know, for myself, that I’ve done all I possibly can to release the anger and the grief and the sorrow and the fear that was holding me back… and I can step boldly into my own amazing life… and I can create the lifestyle I dream of… and I can feel good about myself and feel happy and comfortable in my skin and in my surroundings.

I started out, convinced that I need to change so that Sara will love me. (But here’s a secret; I’ve known all along that she already does, and I don’t have to do anything to earn her love… she gives it freely.)

I’m finally discovering, that I want to change so that I can love me. So that I can connect with my own heart, mind, and soul, and I can allow myself to have these feelings again, to engage with the world around me, to find a girl like Sara (or maybe, possibly, Sara herself)… and just want to be with her, and not feel afraid, and not be worried about what bad things might happen, but just be grateful that someone who I love, loves me in return… and capture every moment and every memory we’re allowed to create together…

And if it’s in God’s plan for us to fall in love — regardless if it’s for a season or for a lifetime — if it’s in His plan, I want to be able to let it happen, and let God guide us both to what He knows will bring us both happiness, enlightenment, and growth.

I want to love myself. (I do, by the way, or I wouldn’t be fighting like hell to save my own life!) And, I want to love someone else. I hope that someone else is Sara.

But no matter who it is that God has in mind for me…

I want to make peace with my own past…

For my own benefit…

So that maybe, I can enjoy the time I have left on this rock…

And maybe, bring joy into the life of the woman I love. Whoever that woman turns out to be.

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