The Sara Chronicles

Episode One: I wish I could be everything you wanted

Dear Sara,

I don't know where to begin. I'm so frustrated right now.

Not at you, necessarily. Just, at the situation. How do I go on now, knowing that the love I thought we shared… just wasn’t enough…

I keep thinking about how much I love you — and how, no matter how much I do, I’ll never be able to love you enough to make you love me, too.

I feel like you've known this whole time how I feel about you, and I really believed you felt the same. I believed you loved me so much that you want me to be your boyfriend, and that you're just not able to think about that right now - but you still hope it'll happen someday.

I really thought you wanted us to be together.

Now, I feel like you've just been lying to me all along.

Like you knew exactly how I feel, and you know I want you and I'm gonna try my hardest to make you want me... and you've never wanted me, though, but you just allowed me to go on thinking, hoping, that one day you would be mine... and you've never wanted that, but you allowed me to believe you did, for what purpose I do not know.

Why don't you even see how incredibly rare it is to have what we have? You think you're ever going to find another man who can love you the way I do?

Not gonna happen.

I would move heaven and hell if I could, to make you want me.

I would give up my piano — like, I would sell it and never play again, just for the chance to find out if we could date each other… if there might really be something there…

And I'm not stupid (even though I can be slow).

And I'm not being reckless either. I'm 48 years old, and I've lived enough to know that women like you are the exception. You keep going on about "the next woman I meet," and how she'll be the one to make me happy.

Don't you get it?

In 48 years, you are the only woman I feel safe to tell everything.

Forty-eight years, Sara. And you're the only one who lets me be myself completely.

How do you not understand what that means to me? Are you just afraid of somebody actually loving you? Of actually wanting to build something with you?

Since the day we started talking, everything in my life is better. Everything.

You believe in me, and tell me that I'm redeemable. That I have value. That I help and inspire other people.

You think up ways and ideas that you can use to help me.

You tell me you wanna do anything to see me succeed. But I guess what you really mean is, "I'll do anything but let you love me."

What are you scared of? What is it that you don't want to tell me?

You know that you’re safe with me. You know I’m gonna protect you, and that I wanna do everything I can to take care of you — you, and your kids. I don’t care; they’re part of you, which means if we ever did get together, they’d become a part of me, too. Or, rather, I’d become a part of their story.

And I want to have kids. I want to have a family that needs me; that loves me; that inspires me; that depends on me…

I’m not saying I need you and me to be a family; not at first, anyway. I know these things take time, and that the best relationships develop slowly. And I’m willing to put in the time it takes, to find out if we could be compatible… and I don’t understand why you don’t want to.

Why you tell me not to think about you…

not to include you in my future plans…

not to dream about the love I really believe in my heart, that you and I could have together…

the kind of love that makes everything else in this life worth enduring.

I’m right here in front of you, asking you to just give me a chance…

And you act like you don’t even want it. Or like it didn’t ever occur to you, in the last year and a half, that when I kept telling you I’m in love… I was serious.

Why are you trying to keep this distance between us?

What will it take to convince you that I'm serious about wanting you? That I'm ready to take a chance with you? That I'm willing to commit, at least to meeting in person, hopefully to dating, and ultimately — whether with you or with somebody who will love me better than you — I'm willing to build a relationship that will last, and that will put every one of our past relationships to shame.

You can't tell me you don't want me, or that you don't daydream about me, and wonder what it would be like. I don't believe at all that you're not interested in me.

So the only other thing I can think of — the only thing that makes sense — is that you still don't think I'm actually interested in you. That even though you talk such a big game…

You don’t believe you’re worthy of being loved… just the same way I don’t believe I am…

You don’t think I can love you, because no man in your life ever has really loved you… so you don’t even know how to recognize it.

And you don’t know that when true love comes knocking, you don’t make excuses. You grab on with both hands, and you refuse to let go, and you build the best life the two of you can build together… and you allow that love to be your masterpiece, and your life’s legacy.

You don’t know that love like this doesn’t come around every day… and you don’t believe it can happen for you.

Why you wouldn’t believe, I don’t know, because I sure do love you and want you to know, every day, that I do.

So if that’s what the problem is, all I can say to that is, "Let me show you."

Let me come to North Carolina and take you on a date. Let me get to know you in all the ways you already know me. Let me love every part of you until you no longer have to doubt, or question whether or not someone ever will.

Please, at least pray about us. Ask God to let you feel what I have in my heart for you… and only you.

Pay attention to the way I treat you. The words I use. The things I tell you. The ways I'm trying to improve myself, to become a man that you, Sara Noelle Jones, can love. A man that you can be proud of. A man that you can trust and depend on.

Tell me before it’s too late.

You're not stupid, Sara. And you're not blind to my love (I don't think). But maybe you are?

Maybe that's the issue: maybe you truly are naive enough to think there are scores of men like me in the world, and when you're ready, you can just throw your door open and they'll be lined up, waiting to fall down at your feet and worship you. There's not men like that, though. Not nowadays.

There's just me. And then... there's, well... me. And that's about it.

You're never going to find another man who will love you like I do. It's not possible - I'm one of a kind and am impossible to replace.

I know you have to think about your kids, too. I know it's not just you and me in this equation. And like I told you before, I don't believe we could all rely solely on my current income to provide for me, you, and your kids. And that scares me. I am afraid of pursuing a relationship with you, when I’m fairly certain I won’t be able to be the sole breadwinner.

But we can find a solution to that.

If you want to be with me, the way I want to be with you, we can find a solution to every challenge that stands in our way.

You plus me plus God equals: we can rise above anything... as long as we face it together.

Maybe that’s the issue, though; maybe despite my intuition, maybe I’m completely wrong and you don’t have any interest in me, at all. But I find that incredibly difficult to believe.

If you tell me one more time though, that I just need to wait for “the next woman” to come along… sooner or later, I’m going to stop thinking it’s you that I want... and I’m gonna go off in search of the one I do.

So, if you really aren’t interested… if you really don’t want me to pursue you…

You have to tell me that.

Like you literally have to say, “I don’t ever want a relationship with you Michael, so please stop trying to make it happen.”

I won’t hear it if you say it any other way.

If you are interested… if you do want me… and if it’s just not the right time…

Tell me that.

I won’t put my whole life on hold for you. I won’t say no if some other woman catches my eye while I’m waiting for you to be ready.

But if you want to be with me and you’re just not ready, yet…

You have to tell me.

I want to face this life together, with you. I want to be the only man you'll ever choose and I want you to be the only woman I can ever truly be happy with. And I’ve told you that, from the beginning. And you’ve never said yes to me — but you’ve also never said no.

Men need absolutes. If there’s no chance, I need you to tell me:

There’s no chance.

If you don’t say those exact words I’m going to believe that there is a chance… and I’m gonna keep loving you… and keep waiting, and trying, and dreaming, and praying, and hoping. I’m not going to let go, or move on, or forget how I feel, until I believe there’s no possible chance for us to be together…

So if you know there’s no chance… the only right thing for you to do is to be a woman about it, and tell me in those words.

Sara… dear, sweet, intelligent, patient, beautiful, loving, supportive Sara…

I wake up every morning thinking about you. Not Carrie... not Catherine... not Amanda. Not any of my family. Not even my grandmother, who had a greater influence over me than anyone else who's ever lived!

I wake up thinking about you, Sara Noelle Jones.

I don't wake up and think about my newsletter, or the veteran's group, or all the things I've learned from AWAI.

I wake up and think about you.

I don't wake up and wonder how all my nieces and nephews are doing.

I wake up wondering how you’re doing.

I don't wake up missing the Navy.

I wake up missing you, Sara.

Just you.

Only you.

Nothing and nobody, but you.

I cry myself to sleep at night, because it hurts so much not knowing how to tell you all the things I feel. I hate not knowing how to share these feelings.

I just want to show you every day how much I love you. How close I feel to you. How much of an impact you make, every time I talk with you.

I want to keep you in my life forever.

But I can't do that, anymore, as your friend. As wonderful as it is, friendship is just not enough.

I want to be closer to you.

I want to slow dance with you in your kitchen.

I want to hold your hand when we go to the movies. (The fact I want to take you to the movies should say a lot, because that is precious, precious "me" time, that I want to experience now with you... and I don’t share my me time with anybody.)

I want to fall asleep lying beside you.

I want to share each other's secrets; our dreams; our hopes; our desires; our fantasies.

I want you to become the only one I can ever be happy with.

I want you to write my name in your notebook, over and over and over again.

I want my heart to skip a beat every time I think about you.

I want to fight for your love, your time, and your attention, every day of my life.

I want to show you why I’m a better choice than any of those other men trying to get with you.

I want to feel like all the world's love songs could only have been written about you.

I want one date with you, just to find out.

Well, actually we probably need two or three dates, because with all this buildup one date might not be enough for us to catch all these feelings together.

I want to look in your eyes and watch the world fade away...

And know in my heart and my soul that loving you is the key to unlocking the power and the mystery of the Universe.

I want to dream about you, every night, long after we've fallen in love and said, "I do."

I want to spend my life showing you why our love is the only love you'll ever need.

I want to travel the world with you by my side. (And your kids, until they're grown enough to go off and live their own lives... but even then they better stay close to home because I'm gonna be the greatest grandfather their children will ever see...)

I want you in every aspect of my life, in everything I do. Things that I kept secret from Carrie... from Catherine... from Amanda... I want to share with you and you alone. I want you to know every part of me.

We're so close, already. I've never been this open with anybody else — not even my therapist.

What we have already is so amazing... so beautiful... so rare... I want to take things to the next level and I want to date you, Sara, and I want to just find out if what I feel for you in my heart, mind, and soul, really is as true as it feels for me.

My heart is yours, Sara.

Whether you want it or not.

I've already given it to you, completely. I don't want to give it to anyone else. No other woman is good enough to hold my heart. And I can't believe there's anyone better suited for you, than me.

I know God brought us together for a reason. I believe that reason is so we can love each other through this life and, if we're lucky, into eternity.

I want you to be the one I share everything with.

Why don’t you want that too?