Ode to a pornography addiction

This is probably the most embarrassing thing (or one of them) I'll ever feel the need to share.

As part of my trauma response, years ago I developed an addiction to Internet pornography.

At first, it seemed harmless enough. I mean, as a Christian, I knew it was inherently wrong for me to look at — but when I started, I didn’t ever think it would become a big deal.

It was a welcome distraction from a life that was filled with problems I didn’t know how to cope with. Until it became a problem, all on its own.

When I realized the behavior was only making things worse for me, it was already too late. By that time, I didn’t know how to stop.

Last September, I wrote this poem about the struggle I face. I want to share it here, because I feel like a lot of people that don’t know how to handle their trauma can easily end up addicted, distracted, or discouraged, and I want to capture what that can feel like.

I hope you enjoy this. If you relate to it, if you see yourself in these words, I hope you know that real help is available, and that it’s never too late to reach out and ask for the help you need.

(Note: I’m currently involved in my church’s addiction recovery program, and am hopeful that between this, and therapy, I can overcome this addiction. It’s incredibly difficult but I do believe that real change is possible, for every one of us — including myself.)

Oh you wretched, vile creature.

You nag, and harass, and hold me down.

You hang around my neck like a gold chain on LL Cool J.

You tell me all the things I’m not allowed to have,

And the places I’m not good enough to go.

You show me there are people I will always wish I could be, but never feel like I measure up.

You stopped me from looking for a job when I got fired right before Christmas.

You convinced me I could never work enough hours or make enough money to get back on my own,

And that it was useless for me to even try.

You made me believe my neuroses were permanent, dangerous, and all-encompassing.

You told me to end all communication with my family and friends;

That if they knew what I’d become,

They wouldn’t want me around, anyway.

You haunted me until I gave my soul in exchange for chemicals and computer screens that would keep me numb,

Keep me isolated and withdrawn,

Keep me from knowing that I had given you full control.

You loved it when I was lonely.

You laughed as I threw everything away.

I swallowed your lies.

I gave into doubt.

I traded my destiny for a prison of my own making, and I let you drag me down into a cold, meaningless, empty existence.

I waited for death, but death never came.

I saw my way out.

I started to tell my family everything.

The fear.

The shame.

The guilt.

The sorrow.

The sin.

I stood up,

And I didn’t back down.

I howl in the night when I think I’m alone, and there’s no one around to witness the pain I still haven’t learned to let go.

I fight, and I struggle, and sometimes I fall,

But you…

You don’t even know it yet…

But you have already lost.

You, sir, are a mighty foe.

But you are not the strongest force in this world.

There is one that is greater than you can ever know.

One you can’t compete with.

Not once a person knows it’s there.

Try as you might – and I know just how powerfully you might!

You will never prosper,

You will never shine,

You will never grow

In the heart or the mind

Of a person who knows they are loved.

Truly loved.

Truly wanted.

You’re nothing once we rise above,

And focus not on what we’ve lost…

But on what we still have left to give.

You can hurt me.

You can temporarily distract me.

You can remind me of all the things I don’t want anybody else to know.

But the day I decided my love for my family

Meant more than the fears and the lies you feed me,

That was the day you started losing,

And I started dreaming again.