I’m still mad at Ashley, even though technically she didn’t do anything wrong.
But it can’t be my fault.
I did everything right.
Or, so I thought…
I met Ashley a while ago. We hit it off right away! But it took me a couple weeks to ask for her phone number. (I am insecure, after all…)
The first time we hung out, I felt like there was a vibe. I didn’t do anything about it, though… because I am insecure… and also, I don’t like to rush into things. I prefer to take my time and let things develop organically.
But there was a vibe.
For real.
I’ve been alone in Lubbock, though, for so long… I would’ve welcomed her company even if I didn’t like her. Just saying.
I think that first time we hung out, though, was good. Like it felt low-key, but still a little bit vulnerable — a little bit intimate; like two people who really wanted to know more about each other, and who didn’t want to make that one hangout anything more than one hangout.
But when she dropped me at home, I was enamored.
I thought about her that whole next week.
I should’ve known there was trouble ahead when I started to text her, and she didn’t reply for 2-3 days, or more. She’d always be like, “Sorry I’ve been going through some things.” And at first, I was understanding. Because, let’s face it — I been going through some things of my own.
But fast forward about two months and she barely texts me back at all, and has only called me like, two times ever… and when I text her like, “Hey wanna hang out? Let’s go get ice cream.” She never responds.
Look…
If we were just lowercase “friends” who met in therapy and wanted to be like, texting buddies or something like that, you know, just support each other every now and then with a “You got this!” or some nonsense…
I could handle the fact that I hardly ever hear from her.
But I want more than lowercase, casual, non-committed, not-even-actually-decent-friends-with-each-other, friends.
I wanna be her boyfriend, honestly. (Or, I did, until I realized she’s not interested in me that way…)
But can’t we at least be BFFs?
We had a vibe.
The few times we have hung out in person, it’s always been fun. I always feel good when I’m around her — and her behavior and body language and blah blah blah makes me think she feels good around me…
And, look… that doesn’t have to mean boyfriend/girlfriend.
I don’t vibe with very many people. And it’s early in our whatevership. Nothing romantic has been said or done. (Okay, I did tell her I really, really like her. But I also told her I just wanna be her friend.)
I know myself, a lot better than I did when I first started talking to Sara. I know I want a girlfriend! And I know that just because I want one, doesn’t mean Ashley has to become one.
I’d really enjoy being one of Ashley’s good friends.
Except I don’t feel like she’s treating me like one.
I don’t think she’s a bad person. Not really.
I am extremely mad and hurt that she keeps neglecting me.
But… when I look at it objectively, she’s not doing anything “wrong.” Ashley is being Ashley.
I just want her to be a better version of herself.
I want her to value my friendship — and I want her actions and her words to show me that she values my friendship. I want her to think about me every day like I think about her. I want her to text or call me with life updates and with, “Bro I just made the most amazing cupcakes!” Or whatever she does to relax and unwind.
I want her to want to make me a priority… and I feel like I’ve been treated more like an afterthought.
And that’s what I’m taking away from the way she treats me! But that doesn’t automatically make it her fault that I feel that way… and that’s the part I don’t want to wrestle with.
This all would be so much easier if I could just stay mad at Ashley. Except, then I’d want to push her away completely. I’d want to call her mean names, and build up a Wall of Bitterness Between Us, that no doubt would get carried into the next friendship, and the next, and the next…
And I don’t even know if I want to cut ties with Ashley or not (mostly I don’t! But sometimes my reactive mind tells me I should, before she can cut ties with me.)
But I do know that no matter what happens between me and her, I don’t want to resent her! And I don’t want to make any decisions about how I’m going to treat her, based on the current resentment that I am allowing to build up because I don’t know what else to do right now when Ashley does something that hurts my feelings.
And when she doesn’t text me back, that hurts my feelings a lot.
But that doesn’t necessarily make her bad. And it doesn’t necessarily make me wrong, either, for getting my feelings hurt.
The fact is, it hurts me when someone I want to be friends with doesn’t seem to want to be on that same level with me. And for all I know, Ashley might want to be BFFs… and she might just be scared, or busy, or overwhelmed by life. Or really, really bad at communicating.
I just don’t know.
So, I can’t say that her behavior makes her “this kind of person” or “that kind of person.” I can only say that her behavior hurts my feelings.
And oh, man, I wish I could say that was her fault, and her responsibility. Because if I could just blame it all on her, then when she hurt me I could just walk away and go search for the next friend (who, presumably, would not hurt me). And I could just say, “Well obviously, she didn’t like me enough… and that’s her problem… and I’m better off without her in my life…”
But.
It’s not her fault that I’m hurt. She doesn’t even know I’m hurting. I haven’t told her! (And I’m so insecure, I probably never will…)
And it’s definitely not her responsibility. I sure do wish it was, though. Because if it’s all on her, then she needs to fix the way she treats me.
But when the responsibility for my hurt feelings belongs to me… man…
Now I have to sit with the feelings. And I have to ask myself the hard questions. And I have to figure out how I am going to live my life, for me… whether Ashley ever texts me back… or not…
And I’d rather do just about anything, than sit with my own uncomfortable feelings.
Apparently, even if it means staying mad at the person who isn’t even the one I’m actually mad at…
But for now… I’m still pretty sure, that somehow, at the end of the day, if I wish hard enough…
It is still Ashley’s fault.
But I really, really don’t feel good about myself, when I try to blame it all on her.