I haven’t felt this down about myself in a long time
I don't even know WHY I feel so helpless right now... I just want it to change
I don’t know why, but I feel like January is really putting me through the ringer.
Every time I turn around, there’s some new issue for me deal with:
I’m tired from cutting my soda consumption by two-thirds.
I’m trying to figure out this new direction for my newsletter, and moving forward again with building my veterans group.
I’m trying to get back into networking on LinkedIn (which I actually enjoy but for some reason now, it’s like I won’t even let myself just do it and enjoy it…)
Wanting to keep progressing with piano and ukulele (yet conveniently forgetting to ever practice…)
Tired of watching tv but can’t think of anything more productive, engaging, meaningful, or even mildly interesting, that I might want to do instead…
And I’m sleeping every day until like, 10 am or later… I don’t wanna eat… don’t wanna sleep… don’t wanna think about anything…
Last night, I even went to bed with my headphones on, so the music could drown out my thoughts while I’m sleeping…
I don’t even want to order DoorDash.
This is serious.
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Things were okay for me, prior to Christmas vacation…
So what went wrong during Christmas, then? Hmm…
2024 was my second year living on my own. And, like the year before, it presented a lot of challenges and opportunities for me to grow.
(LOL you can interpret that how you will… my general take on it is, “I messed a lot of things up…” but if I’m fair to myself, I got a lot of things right last year, too.)
Parts of 2024 got me pretty down — but by and large, it was a good year for me.
I made some new friends, and that’s always a win.
I learned how to “sit with my feelings” which changes everything.
And I gained enough confidence and clarity over the course of the year, to commit to my business goals (to the point that I’m now investing a part of my own income into growing my business — and I don’t think I would do that, if I didn’t believe in what I’m doing… and in my ability to make it work.)
I had a ton of breakthroughs and aha moments in my personal life and my relationships with friends and family.
I hope I’m learning to be more patient with myself and others, and to really meet people where they are, and just love them and be there to support them.
And I’m learning, more and more each day, to be grateful for the things I do have in my life… and not to get too hung up on the things I want to have, but don’t yet.
I actually remember a whole day like right before Christmas where, for the first time in my adult life, I could honestly say I have everything I need in this moment in order to deal with the situation that’s in front of me…
That was a massive breakthrough, right there… and while the feeling only lasted for one day… now that I’ve allowed myself to feel it once, I know I can have that feeling again in the future.
All those breakthroughs come with a price, though: for each one, I had to be willing to work through some pretty ugly emotions, thought patterns, belief systems, memories, insecurities… things that I thought for sure would break me.
Things that, point in fact, did break me, years ago, at a time when I wasn’t strong enough to overcome them. (But that’s for another post.)
But I already did all the work to have all of those breakthroughs… or at least, I thought I did…
So why am I so miserable now? When things are finally starting to get better for me, why am I more hopeless and feeling more than ever before like I ought to give up?
Why do I want to quit, precisely when I’m starting to get proof that this personal development stuff actually works?
All I can think is I’m afraid my success is going to get taken away from me, like it always has before.
For 48 years, every time something good has happened to me, something bad happens and ends up taking all the good away. Every. Single. Time.
And for a long time, I thought that was my fault. I thought it was my responsibility to maintain every good thing in my life, from now until the day that I die, and if anything ever went sidewise it was because I messed up. And I feel like a lot of things are about to go sideways… and if they do, my logic tells me it’s my fault.
I’m afraid that mistakes I haven’t even made yet are going to be so detrimental they’re going to erase all the progress I’ve made up to this point, and I’m always going to be stuck exactly where I’ve always been… and there’s nothing I can to do to change it…
That’s how I feel, this week.
And that feelings suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks…
But you know what?
It’s only a feeling.
There’s actually zero evidence that any part of my life “sucks” right now… especially when you compare it to where I was one year ago… two years ago… ten years ago…
Shoot. My life today is pretty amazing.
And I know that… and yet, I still feel differently.
Even though I know I’m growing in the direction I want to, this week I feel like I’m going backwards. I feel like the challenges I’m facing today are bigger than the challenges that have brought me to this point. And I don’t feel like I can overcome today’s challenges.
I’m not a quitter though. If I was, I would’ve packed up and gone back home two years ago.
I do, however, wish that I could just take a break every now and again. I wish that personal growth didn’t demand effort every day… Like maybe I could stretch myself really good for a year and a half — and then take a couple months off and just go on vacation or do whatever…
If I’m honest, that’s what I wanna do.
I don’t wanna get up tomorrow and face another hard day. I wanna coast just for a little while. I wanna sit back and reflect on how far I’ve come… and let that be enough for one minute…
But that’s not the world we live in. That’s not where growth happens. That’s not where life’s lessons are learned. (I mean, there is a place in our lives for rest and recreation… just, not to the extent I’ve taken it in the past.)
I’m pretty miserable this week. I feel like giving up. I feel like nothing’s going to work.
I feel like I’m never going to have the life I dream of.
But I’m still gonna work in that direction, as best as I can.
Tomorrow, I might wake up and still wanna quit, or I might wake up and be excited to take on the next challenge.
Eventually, I’m going to wake up and want to work on the next challenge.
If I just work on it a little bit, each day this month, even on the days I don’t want to…
Then at least I keep the needle moving forward, and when I am excited again… boy will I be glad that I kept at it each day!
But if I don’t work, between today and that day… if I just allow the depression to set in and control everything… then when I am excited again… I’ll have to start all over from scratch (or maybe even find a brand new challenge to get excited about, and abandon the one that was “too hard” and replace it with something easier, but less fulfilling.)
I don’t want to work today!
But if I do… it’s gonna help make tomorrow better.
And if I don’t… I’m gonna hate tomorrow, too.
I wonder: is this the self talk that every working man and woman gives themselves every morning? Have I just inadvertently stumbled on to one of the axioms of adulthood: do what feels good today, or do what is good for tomorrow…
I wonder if there’s a way I can teach myself to do both: to learn to feel good, today, about making the choices that lead to a good tomorrow.
I think that would be winning.
#1 God rested on the seventh day. That tells me rest is necessary.
#2 You may always face this battle and have to push through it. Depression is a funny thing. It wants you to fall back into your comfort zone where it rules. Ask me how I know.
#3 Motion creates emotion. You won’t always feel like doing the work, but after doing it you feel good.
And guess what? You already know all of this. I hope a little reminder helps.